If you guys dont go to bed soon, mommy is going to lose it. Again.

It takes like 2 hours for the kids to actually go to sleep after we "put them to bed" every night. Amelie sings Disney songs and made up songs about her classmates really loud. Sawyer suddenly needs to go to the bathroom once every ten minutes. It used to really stress me out. I micromanaged and negotiated and yelled. It didnt make them go to bed any earlier and I felt like I needed a Xanax when it was all said and done. I am now to the point where when they start singing and giggling and not sleeping, I no longer give a crap as long as they stay in their rooms. Its called lowered expectations people.

The other day we ended up going to a 4th of July cookout at a friends house where we were the only ones who brought kids. So immediately the kids ate a crap ton of sugar and ran in circles, bumped into coffee tables, punched some dogs in the face, crawled all over each other, jumped off the backs of various pieces of furniture, ect, ect- you get the picture. And suddenly I saw my kids through the eyes of the people there, mostly childless people who did stuff like wake up when they feel like it and watch stuff on TV thats not about superheros, and I remembered why I mostly only hang out with other people with small kids. Because they are the only ones who get it. If I had been one of those childless people at that party watching my kids act like crazy drunk monkeys, I truly would have thought that when I had kids, they certainly would not act like that. I remember very clearly thinking that if toddlers  weren't quiet and "well mannered" that surely it was a direct reflection of the parents. Turns out toddlers just act like crazy drunk monkeys alot unless you beat them, and you arent allowed to do that anymore. This whole parenting thing has been humbling for me to say the least.

Its funny how we as people, me included, tend to judge instead of empathize. I work with a lot of uninsured and economically disadvantaged people and its so interesting how quickly people judge and condemn them for having the nerve to get terminal cancer without proper insurance or financial support. Frankly, if you get diagnosed with cancer and you are poor, in alot of cases you will be treated badly because of it and you will get substandard care. But I kind of think that treating someone who is dying differently because they have no insurance is disgusting. Treating somebody badly because they are economically disadvantaged does not make you superior to them, it just makes you an asshole. We all need to remember and realize that most people are where they are in life economically not just because of decisions that they have made, but because of the cards that they are dealt. Because of their circumstances. Because poverty is cyclical and "breaking the cycle" is actually nearly impossible if you really research it. Chances are that the medical professional who is being so judgmental was born in the middle or upper class, had a stable childhood, a house with air conditioning and heat and didnt know what it was like to steal food because you were hungry or how to hide from child protective services. Its not an even playing field, and some people have a hell of alot more to overcome than others.

So anyways next time you are judging someone, or find yourself saying "I would never" or " What was she thinking" just remember that life can be very humbling and circumstances can change quickly and really we all need to work on this whole empathy thing.

On kindness

I still remember the exact moment from my childhood when I found out I was poor white trash. It was when my 1st grade friend Amy, who had come to my house for a playdate, informed me that from now on if we do playdates her mom said they had to be at her house. I was like "really, why?" and she said "Oh well because you are poor white trash. But I really like you anyways and want to stay friends." So I stayed friends with her and we went to her house for our playdates from then on out. And I noticed that HER house had like 2 stories. And carpet everywhere, that was clean. And a BIG SCREEN TV. And name brand koolaid. Dang, I thought, being poor white trash is sort of a gyp. So I prayed at night: "Dear God, could you please make me like Amy so I can have a 2 story house and drink name brand koolaid? Ok well not just like her. I mean, lets face it I am wayyyy cuter obviously since I have won a bunch of pageants so maybe I could just be like her except look like me. And actually my personality is kind of better obviously since I won the best personality award at my last pageant so maybe I should keep that too. Oh and I am kind of smarter than her because she hasnt even figured out that the whole Santa thing is a racket, so I would also like to stay just as smart. You know what God- could you just give me Amy's house and her cool stuff and I could stay the same person? Because then my life would be perfect." So um clearly even though I was poor white trash, I did not have self esteem issues at that point in my life.
Now that I have small kids and playdates and the whole nine yards I am spending some time reflecting back on all this stuff, and its a little terrifying. Sawyer is starting Kindergarten soon and the whole thing makes me sort of nauseated. I mean I work really hard so that hopefully they wont face some of the same trials I faced growing up. But even with the right house, the right clothes, a support system and all that jazz there is still so much cruelty in the world. You can spend all this time trying to do everything right and there is still so much that they are exposed to that you cant control. There are bullies, mentally ill people who bring guns to schools, exclusion, misogyny, psychopathy, discrimination, ect. I know they have to get out there and learn to make their way through everything but it makes me sick thinking about it sometimes. Because not everyone you meet is kind.
Lately I have been thinking alot about kindness. Why is it so important? I think its because we are all broken people in a broken world and I think kindness may be what connects us. What makes us human. Without it, what are we really? I just hope that whatever my kids end up doing with their lives that they learn how important it is to be kind and what kindness says about us as human beings.

No facial lady, I don't exfoliate

So I got a facial today and a massage. Which was nice. Also I didnt pay for it, which is pretty much double nice. Apparently during facials they spend time "extracting some trouble areas" which I found out means they pop your zits under this bright light and then torture you with this metal thing that pokes your face. When I got done the facial lady told me that she was sorry she had to "extract so much" but I have problem areas around my T-zone. I didnt actually know what the crap a T-zone was or why I should care but I smiled and said thank you anyways. Frankly I only got a facial because I thought they would rub creams on my face that smelled good and maybe play with my hair but I guess its really alot more serious than that because then she went on to give me really long lecture about the importance of exfoliation and how she could tell that I didnt have a regimen. Really I should be using a toner. Why wasnt I doing that? Didnt I care about my skin?
Well um maybe I dont "exfoliate" my "T-zone" and use "toner" as a part of my daily regimen, but I do take showers at least every other day. AND when I get food on my face, I totally wipe it off most of the time. And I am not trying to brag or anything but I almost never forget to wear deodorant. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it facial lady.
 I mean at least I have a daily "Regimen". No it doesnt include exfoliation, its more like:

1. Have a really hard time getting out of bed each morning because I stayed up too late reading/facebooking/pinteresting/watching netflix. Wait till last possible minute to get up. Swear to God and Jehovah that tonight will be different and I will go to bed earlier.
2. Beg kids to get dressed and eat breakfast quickly. Act surprised that my kids really dont give a crap that I am late to work. Again. And that they have no sense of urgency.
3. Put greasy hair into ponytail. Swear that one day I will do something with hair.
4. Argue with Amelie about why she has to get in her carseat and cant just ride in the front seat or drive. Look crazy yelling at my kids to "just get in the freaking car so we can go to school, omg why does it take ten years to leave the house every morning!!"
5. Drop off kids. Drive to work. Listen to bad pop music really loud in the car.
6. Arrive to work. Shove down Luna bar. Decide I am still hungry. Find donuts. Swear that tomorrow will start diet.
7. Work. Talk to people about cancer alot.
8. Get off work. Fight traffic. Cuss alot about how much I hate traffic.
9. Barely make it to daycare as it closes.
10. Get home. Feed kids. Bathe kids. Dress them. Negotiate with them. Micromanage the crap out of them.
11. Beg them to go sleep.
12. Complain about how tired I am, vow to go to bed really soon.
13. Pour wine.
14. Get really caught up in season 9 of Grey's Anatomy. Like really caught up. Those doctors are so pretty.
15. Realize its midnight. Curse at self. Collapse exhausted into bed. Swear that tomorrow will be different.

Anyways you get the picture. So no, I dont exfoliate. But I managed to not go off on the facial lady and actually thank her for the advice which was a pretty big victory for me.

For my Amelie

Earlier today Amelie had the craziest like 30 minute long emotional meltdown that really tested my sanity. Over a Hello Kitty towel. By the end of it I was stress eating my second sleeve of the day of girl scout cookies and googling articles on child hood emotional disorders. Eventually I just hugged her and she magically stopped.

I really cant tell that she fits the profile for any emotional disorders, but watching her today it really hit me what a little firestorm that girl is. She is so intense sometimes. And determined. And she has such a hard time adjusting to all the injustices of the world, and sometimes just flat out refuses to accept them. She is just like me. And that scares the crap out of me.

There is this quote that basically outlines 3 types of people: those who learn by reading, those who learn by observing and then there are those who must pee on the electric fence. I myself have peed on many an electric fence. Its just who I am. And it is a horrible way to learn, but an arguably effective one.

You see, I really dont want to watch my daughter do all that. I want so bad to tell her everything I have learned so she can just skip it all. Things like:

1. Do not worry so much about if people like you or base your self esteem off the approval of others. Find approval within yourself. That is what actually matters.

2. Do not accept it when people treat you like shit. People treat you how you let them. Do not be afraid to walk away from shitty relationships, toxic friendships or jobs where there is no mutual respect between you and your superiors. You are worth more. Find that worth within yourself and set boundaries and when they are crossed get your shit and go. You will be better off for it.

3. Always buy shoes at the end of season clearance for the next year. You will save so much money.

4.If you are going to get a tattoo, take some time and make sure it actually means something. Do not walk into a tattoo parlor because you are bored and you just turned 18 and pick something out of the book because it looks kind of cool.

5.Thin mint girl scout cookies have like way less calories than the rest of them so you can eat twice as many.

6. Do not fear change. Sometimes there is so much pain that change is the only way out. Change is how you learn and grow and become who you are meant to be.

7. Realize that you are so important and that those sad thoughts in your head are not to be lingered on. You have a purpose and a role and even though we are so small we all have our part to play in life. We all matter.

8. Let the little shit go. Just let it go. Its not important.

9. Babies dont sleep much so make sure you dont care to do that for awhile when you have them.

10. Always be humble. Always. If you are not humble then life will put you in your place.

11. Be very kind to the people beneath you. You will need them to save your ass one day.

12. Most importantly, no matter what anyone says to you: You is kind. You is smart. You is important. 

And this is what I wish for my daughter to learn. So maybe she can be one of those who learn by reading?

On damage, dysfunction and courage

So I recently read one of the new Malcolm Gladwell books, it was called "David and Goliath: Underdogs, misfits and the art of battling giants."He addresses the concept of courage, and how although people tend to view courage as this inborn trait that some people just magically have, that its not really the case.
Here is what he had to say:

“Courage is not something that you already have that makes you brave when the tough times start. Courage is what you earn when you’ve been through the tough times and you discover they aren’t so tough after all.”

I dont know why this resonated so much with me, but it did. Let me just say that I dont feel very courageous right now. I have tolerated alot of dysfunction at times because change scares me. I have let myself be mistreated by others and engaged in people pleasing behaviors even though I knew it wasnt right. I havent always stood up for the stupid and crazy, and I feel like I should. Somebody needs to. Hell at times I am the stupid and crazy.

So if courage comes from going through tough times, shouldn't I be more courageous by now?I mean I know that I am only 30 years old, but I have at least 60 years worth of damage and dysfunction. I am broken beyond my years. No offense to my mom, who is probably one of the only people who will read this and whom I love dearly, but my childhood kind of sounds like a lifetime made for TV movie or something. Theres poverty, divorce, abuse, neglect, caregivers with mental illnesses, suicide, alcoholism, ect ect. By the time I was 12 I was broken and cynical and depressed and had no hope for the future. By the time I was 16 I had done what anyone with a childhood like mine was supposed to do and experimented with drugs/took bad risks like I had nothing to lose/ and just devalued myself all around because thats what everyone around me seemed to expect anyways. There was a turning point for me around that time and I worked very hard to transform my life because it started to occur to me that no one else was going to step up and do it for me. I dont think courage had much to do with it in retrospect, it was more the fact that it pissed me off so bad that everyone around me gave up on me so damn easy and none of them would have cared or been surprised if I had ended up making meth in a trailer park somewhere. I took that anger, and I worked very hard to try and succeed because I had so many jerk offs to prove wrong.

So now here I am, clawed my way to the middle class, married someone with a much more affluent upbringing than mine, had 2 beautiful babies, got some degrees, graduated in the top of my class a few times, got some awards and certifications, ect ect.And really I know that being a nurse practitioner is not everyone's idea of success, but  it was highly improbable that someone like me could ever do it.

But at the end of the day, I feel like I still have so much to learn and I am not adequate and I wish I had more courage. Theres a part of me that wonders if after all this I still am not courageous, will I ever be? I look at my kids and I want so much better for them. I dont want them to go through the things I went through. So I really want to learn how to be courageous. Its a work in progress.

I dont want to work. I just want to bang on the drums all day.

Sometimes work just feels really heavy. I have been an oncology NP for almost 3 years now, and I like to think I actually have a knowledge base and also some judgement that has developed slowly, painfully, and did I mention painfully, over time. I thought surely by now if I managed to make it to this point in my career that work would be so much easier. But no. I am finding out that it really doesnt matter if you know what the hell you are doing and why you are doing it and also that 50 oncologists agree its the right thing to do, you can still wind up knee deep in shit. You can still piss off other providers. Worst case scenarios play out and people die. Sometimes really nice people die. Like people who complimented your shoes and told you its not weird at all to own so many pairs.

Of course part of the problem is I ended up working in a specialty that deals in giving dying people poison.  When people are sick as crap and you give them poison bad things happen sometimes. And you have to make decisions. And even the littlest ones can have these big consequences and call your judgement into question. Some days I just feel like I am walking around in this giant minefield. And I go to get my toenails done and I start looking at the girl painting them and I feel really jealous of her. I bet she has never had to tell someone with small kids that lost her health insurance that the melanoma she got resected and thought was gone is not only back, but its all over her lungs and liver and its probably not survivable. I bet she didnt have to do a bone marrow biopsy on someone with bad pain control issues who was having a panic attack today and get kicked in the process. And I bet she has never had to argue with a pissed off neurosurgeon who is trying hard to find someone besides himself to blame for a bad and preventable post op bleed.

But the weird thing is, I actually love my job. It is heavy, but I think that I would tire of something light very quickly. I love the complexity, the intensity and the basic human connectedness. I love how the little things you do for people can mean so much when they are at such a bad point in their lives, and I love that what I do can actually make a positive difference to somebody. And I guess I would get pretty bored giving people pedicures. I dont know what will happen down the road, but I hope I have the chance to stick with oncology and continue to learn and grow. In the meantime I will just continue to come to work everyday and keep praying that I dont hurt people with the things I dont know and that maybe I can help people with the things I do.

Are you there God, it's me, Susannah. Yes, again.

So me and Stephen talked about it and after we hopefully get our house sold and settle into a new place we want to actually start attending church. Like voluntarily. It feels like a big step since I love being lazy and wearing yoga pants and reading trashy books on Sunday, and going to church would require getting up and like dressed and stuff, but I think I am ready.
My "personal relationship with God" has been complicated. Growing up for me was chaotic and unstable, and things were very hard for me at times. That combined with my tendency to question any sort of authority got us off on the wrong foot. I didn't speak to God for years and years. I also spent a lot of time being really angry with God about various injustices. If me and God were a couple back then, we would have spent a lot of time having really trashy fights where I threw beer in Gods face and then threw Gods clothes all over the lawn all the time. Kind of like an episode of Cops.
I didn't start talking to God until after I had my babies. I started talking to God slowly and it's just built and built over the last 4 years or so. And now I won't shut up. And maybe God is sick of hearing from me all the time now, I don't know. I guess I just decided that I don't want my kids to live in a world without an almighty force of balance, where being kind and brave is rewarded and worthwhile. I don't want my kids to grow up in a world without a God. It's too sad to think about. I never felt God in my heart growing up or as a younger adult, but it's the craziest thing that now I feel it all the time. It sounds cheesy and its hard to explain in a blog.
But anyways, I guess I need to find a church. I am not really sure how to go about that, but I guess I can just google it or something. I think I should also find like a really big hat with a bunch of flowers and feathers on it. I am pretty sure you have to wear one of those when you go to church.

If this whole NP thing doesnt work out, I would be a great extreme couponer

So these last few weeks have been hard and sad. I unexpectedly resigned from my job. The federal government decided they needed our savings account more than we did. And then Abby's dog died on Dance Moms and that dog was like her child and it was really hard watching Abby go through all that. But there have been some silver linings. I have had several people buy me drinks and nachos out of pity. Also for once I LOST weight from stress, instead of gaining it. My economic future may have been uncertain these last few weeks, but man I look good filling out job applications in my skinny jeans.

Its funny I have been saying I really just want some time to myself and to lose weight, well I have done both. I always thought if I just had time I would plant a garden, go do yoga and meditate, ect. And I would love to say thats what I have been doing, but actually mostly I have been eating Chick-Fila chicken biscuits and watching bad reality tv and kind of moping.But I have worn yoga pants at least so that should count for something. And yes I feel guilty eating the Chick-Fila because its kind of like eating gay hate but I am sorry those damn biscuits are delicious. So all you fabulous gay people out there will have to forgive me, I think if you guys will just boycott Burger King next time theres some real long term potential for me to stick to that with you. It occurred to me yesterday after I spent the morning watching a marathon of Extreme Couponing, followed by a marathon of Sister Wives, and then the afternoon with Mandy Lay watching reruns of Beverly Hills 90210, that I need to get back to work. Turns out when I have alot of free time I eat junk food and do not contribute to society at all. It also occurred to me that I probably have some great potential as a possible Extreme Couponer. Other people may feel confusion and wonder why those people need those crazy stockpiles of deodorant and toothpaste, but I feel jealousy mixed with longing. I need a basement so I can start my crazy stockpile and annoy the crap out of checkout people with my 600 coupons for one transaction.

I am in the middle of getting on at Mitchell Cancer Center and I am pretty excited. It wont be fully official until next week, but they said I should be able to start within the next 2 weeks.In all seriousness I am very grateful that I will be staying in Oncology. I actually kind of love it. Plus we all know I would be really bad at doing pap smears at the Health Dept. During the interview they spoke about how they value, respect and appreciate their NP's alot, so I am optimistic. If you want to know a secret I am willing to work very hard, long hours and put up with alot of crap if you just tell me you are glad I am doing it. But I know I have to value and respect myself before other people can so I am working on that. I sang that Whitney Houston song "The Greatest Love of all" at the top of my lungs in the car the other day, so I am off to a great start.

Another year, another diet thats going to change my life, or maybe just change the next few weeks

So I am getting ready to go to the store and buy food that I can eat on this whole foods cleanse, and I guess I have to stop talking about it and actually do it at some point. I thought I had finally eaten all the junk food in the house and not to mention drank all the wine which was alot of work.But I totally stuck with it. I may be on the brink of diabetes and alcoholism, but I will be damned if I am going to throw away M&Ms or reese's cups. That would be totally crazy. So yeah, I thought, finally there is nothing remotely exciting in the pantry so I can start fresh and clean next week.
And then Stephen decides to take himself "grocery shopping" and pick up a few things the other night. I opened up the cabinets and now there are like hostess donuts, nacho cheese doritos (family size), toaster strudels, ect, ect. Its like he basically spent 150$ filling up our cabinets with the most processed food that exists. Does he hate me, or did he just eat a pot brownie before he went shopping? I am really not sure. Although I suspect his thinking was more along the lines of how there is no way I am actually going to go without sugar, grains, dairy or wine for 30 days, so why pretend? And he may be right, but man I wish he would humor me every once in awhile.
So despite the fact that our house has more high fructose corn syrup and preservatives than the little Debbie cake factory in it right now, I will forge on and  plan to eat nothing but whole foods for 30 days starting tomorrow. Although I am interested to see how it may benefit my health, mainly it is getting on my nerves that no one seems to think I can do it and frankly thats the main reason I want to do it at this point. Also I have forgotten what it looks like when your gut doesnt hang out over the top of your jeans. Wish me luck!!

Thankful

Thanksgiving is such a weird holiday. Its like lets celebrate Europeans annihilating Native American culture by buying unreasonable amounts of food and then eating until we almost barf. Also lets post everyday for the whole month generic things we are thankful for on facebook while we are at it. Lets get together with our dysfunctional families and watch football. Or maybe your family is really functional- I dont know. And I am not saying I dont like Thanksgiving, I mean I like eating absurd amounts of food until I hate myself and posting stuff all over facebook as much as the next guy. Maybe more. In fact I am pretty sure there will be a picture of my kids posted on facebook doing something really adorable in Thanksgiving outfits that day, do not despair. My husband got called off work, so I decided to make a list of generic things I am thankful for:

1. I am really thankful that my husband got called off work and took over the bathing of the screaming angry toddlers because I was starting to question my ability to maintain my sanity.
2. Yoga pants.
3. Those little Krackle chocolate bars.
4. 30 rock reruns on Netflix.
5. That somehow I function in society and maintain gainful employment. And that I get to wear whatever shoes I want to work everyday.
6. That I am not pregnant.
7. That my babies are so freaking adorable.
8. Ben N Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
9. My husband thinks I am cute.
10. My dog thinks I am pretty much the coolest person who ever lived.
11. That I have 5 whole followers that read my blog and care what I have to say (thanks Grandma)
12. That my pant size is currently in the single digits.
13. Shirts that hide muffin tops.
14. Red red wine
15. That I know all the words to Beck's Loser.
16. That my kids sleep at night sometimes.
17. That no one in my house has thrown up for at least a month
18. Central heat and air
19. that owls are trendy now
20. that I actually have family and friends who can stand to be around me

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone:)

Blah blah blah

I just read this funny illustrated book called "Shit girls say".   And so then I started thinking about how mostly I say the same stuff over and over again and I got inspired. Also I had some time on my hands since I was off work today. So here is a list of stuff that I say alot:
1. I am soooo freaking tired
2.. I really need some caffiene
3. I totally drank too much caffeine.
4. Omg please take that out of your mouth!!
5. Because I said so
6. Because you have to.
7. No we dont eat Fritos for breakfast. BECAUSE WE DONT.
8. But you have to anyways. Because if you dont we are NOT watching Thomas later.
9. Baby mommy loves you but you are really getting on mommy's nerves
10. Because mommy has a headache
11. I am totally starting my diet back tomorrow.
12. Are you gonna eat that?
13. Hold my cake for a minute.
14. Yes I would like extra cheese.
15. could I see a dessert menu?Do you have anything chocolate?
16. Is there high fructose corn syrup in that?
17. I dont know- I mean is it organic?
18. Stephen where did you put my keys????!!!
19. Seriously where are my freaking keys?
20. Oh never mind- found them:)
21. Do these jeans give me a muffin top?
22. Hold on I need to update my facebook status
23.  OMG she did not just say that on my facebook page!!
24. But I really NEED these shoes.
25. Seriously?
26. What.The.Crap.
27. Mothertrucker
28. Son of a bisquick eater
29. Could you please just build a bridge and get over it?
30. Maybe you could just eat some makeup then you could be pretty on the inside too
31. 9021-Oh no she didnt
32. I will have a glass of your cheapest red wine
33. She should really worry less about her looks and more about her boring personality
34. Those shoes are SO adorable
35. Could you just stop talking for just a minute? Thanks.

I can dress them really cute, but I cant take them anywhere

Today I took the kids to the train table at the bookstore, where we hang like all the time. Its free, it keeps the kids busy, and I can drink my coffee and read. Well kinda, I mean really I read like a paragraph and then look up and see my kids dumping milk on other kids and then regulate, sit back down and read another paragraph and then pull something non edible out of their mouths and repeat. Its actually sort of exhausting. But I guess its free? But come to think of it they always see something they want and I end up buying milk at the coffee place inside, so hmmm........crap. Maybe I should stop going there all the time. Anyways we went there today per our routine and everything was going good. Nobody had any potty accidents, or fights about which train to play with and they hadnt even tried to eat the trains or anything. I was quietly reading my trashy book ( I am on the 2 nd book in the 50 shades trilogy) and hoping none of the other parents there would see thats what I was reading.

And then Amelie starts dumping her really overpriced Horizon organic vanilla milk with the cute straw all over someones baby and saying "here you go, here you go." And the mom looked completely freaked. So I  apologized, offered a baby wipe and drug my kid away from her baby and quietly told Amelie no. And that was when shit got real at the Barnes and Noble train table. Amelie lost it like a fed up postal worker. She threw like this rock star temper tantrum, complete with head butting, screaming, and kicking. So then I had to convince Sawyer to leave, while carrying coffee, diaper bag, keys, wallet and my screaming kid and being watched by some particularly judgey moms. I think one tsk-tsked at me. But no one helped, they just judged. And then I realized I left my trashy book sitting there after I had finally made it halfway to the car. I thought about leaving it, but I am so close to finishing it and I totally want to see what happens. So I dragged the screaming toddler parade back to the train table and grabbed my trashy erotic novel with as much dignity as I could muster up while carrying 2 screaming kids and all their stuff. I think if the bookstore had security they probably would have escorted me out.

Soooooo we are getting ready to try to take the kids to the Dinosaurs thing with my family this afternoon, and frankly with the way Amelie's tantrums have been going we may end up on the news. Hopefully she has gotten it out of her system for the day. I think all these kids places should have like cash bars for the parents, they would make alot of $$.

Normal is just a setting on the dryer

Just a disclaimer: if you dont want to read about my feelings about my dad's death then by all means stop reading this and go to youtube and watch some videos of kittens doing adorable stuff like eating spaghetti or something.I mean its not very uplifting or even funny. This blog more for the people who feel his absence in their lives, but anyone is welcome to read it if you care. Or even if you really dont care but have nothing better to do for the next 2 minutes.

Dad has just been heavy on my mind this week, because this past week was the 2nd year anniversary of his death. And thinking about how he died makes me sad and so I thought maybe writing about how I feel may be therapeutic. I tried really hard to think of a light and funny way to write about it but suicide is just not funny. I mean, I googled "suicide jokes" and they really disappointed me. There was this one about why did the chicken commit suicide (to get to the other side, harhar) that was ok, but mostly I was really let down by the quality of suicide jokes available on the internet. So if you ever want to know some I really dont know any. Sorry to let you down.

But yeah so I have been thinking about him alot this week. I wish I was all zen and said stuff like "Well I bet he is just looking down at me and my kids and his family from heaven and just smiling. I bet he is fishing with Papaw. He is with God now so thats peachy" But the truth is when I think about him my thoughts are mostly sad, angry and regretful. Its been 2 years and frankly I am still so mad at him. Mad about the fact that he thought the only way out of his pain and misery was to end his life, mad that he never met his grandkids, mad that he let me down so much as a teenager and later young adult, mad that he wasnt there when I needed him over and over again, and mad that he didnt try harder in general. I am not saying its completely fair to him to be so angry but its just honestly how I feel. But the  after the anger comes out, comes the sadness. I am sad that I will never get to repair our relationship, sad that Sawyer and Amelie wont get to grow up knowing him and seeing him at birthday parties or on Christmas, sad that I cant make any of it fit into this idea in my head of what its supposed to be like. Sad that I am never going to have this "normal" 90's sitcom family life.

The only comfort I have is that I genuinely have some great early childhood memories and he is the reason for alot of them. Dad really loved us kids for real. I really believe that even when things got so fractured between him and us that he never stopped loving us really.So if the Beatles are right and love is all you need well at least that part is covered. I think if he was still around he would love my kids too. I mean Sawyer loves fart jokes almost as much as dad did so they would have alot to talk about. So dad, if you are in the afterlife hanging out reading my blog, then I am mad at you still, but I forgive you for everything and I miss you and love you,  and I really wish things could have been different.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Its too bad he's never cried.

So it turns out working with a bunch of patients who are like mostly dying from cancer is sorta depressing. Who knew? When I was first offered the job I have now in oncology, they were like"This can be a very sad job, are you sure you can deal with it"? And really I wasnt that worried about the sadness part at the time. I was way more concerned that these people wanted me to do bone marrow biopsies on actual breathing people. I mean ME. I was all-" have these people met me?" I mean sometimes I dont have the coordination to make it across the parking lot without tripping a few times, and I dont have the technical skills to change a light bulb. I mean, hello, thats why I got married. And you want me to stick this giant needle where? The fact that I was eventually able to to not only learn how to do them well but also without throwing up all over people still amazes me to this day. Although I do kinda feel sorry for the first 25 or so people I did. Ok, really sorry. If I could send them a "Sorry you got a sucky bone marrow biopsy" card I totally would. But I doubt they make those.

The more I learn about cancer and treating it, the more comfortable I get with my job as far as having an idea of the whole picture and getting things done. Which is great and all, and I am really glad I no longer have that really bad anxiety about not having a clue what I am doing that people new to any field have to go through. The problem is, the more I understand, the more I am starting to feel like I should take a Prozac just to come to work sometimes. The other day I was seeing this younger woman who has this terrible cancer and we were talking about pedicures, shoes and stuff. And then she was talking about her child and I started talking about my kids some too. And all of a sudden it just hit me like a punch in the face that she probably wont live to see her child grow up because of the type of cancer she has. And suddenly I understand what all that means and I understand that she is absolutely going to die. And its like we are the same age so maybe thats why it felt so intense, but I got so nauseated and faint I had to sit down. I think I mumbled something and left the room and had to like cry somewhere.And I am not a cute crier. I am like one of those people whose whole face swells up like a marshmellow afterwards, so its a bad situation to cry at work.

 I keep having more and more of those moments lately. The stupid thing is, is that I am genuinely surprised by how sad it is to take care of people dying from cancer. <insert joke here about rocking but not being made of stone. I am sooo freaking funny> Seriously though, sometimes I am just like I am not going to even get to know these people because they might die and it will make me sad, but since I am not capable of shutting up for more than ten consecutive minutes I am not very successful at that approach. No I ask about their jobs, families and lives and then get surprised when I get sad that they get sick and sometimes die. I am really not sure what to do about all of it, but I am not really sure that anyone who works in this type of field is. 

You are reading my blog. You are SO lucky.

For real, you are. Because instead of laying on a ventilator restrained in multi system organ failure or maybe being incarcerated or in a whale's stomach or something, you are probably sitting somewhere in the air conditioning reading this off your iphone or ipad or i-whatever.Also you are very lucky to be reading stuff that I write because I have really awesome stuff to say. And my mom thinks I am pretty witty. And my dog loves the crap out of me so I must be pretty cool.

It kind of hit me today that I might be too lucky, and this scares me. Because whenever things seem great I feel like the universe needs to balance things out and it makes me think something bad probably needs to happen. I mean, my kids are sooooo healthy. And also adorable. And fun. I think they are the best thing to ever happen to me and pretty much the world as a whole. And I am married to a pretty great guy, things are far from perfect but we have worked through so much conflict and somehow are not divorced and love each other anyways. And we both have good jobs and we can pay like all of our bills now. Like all of them. And sometimes there is even money left over. And I get to buy shoes with it. And I ate this really great curry for dinner with cupcake wine, which I love. Also I dont hate my job or really anything about my day to day life for the most part.

So that kind of makes me worry, I mean bad things happen all the time. Like women in some parts of Africa deal with genital mutilation, and also I went to find my favorite color of nail polish at Target the other day and they no longer carry it. I was totally devastated as you can imagine. I mean, what if more bad things happen to me? What if Project Runway or Dance Moms decides to quit making episodes or something? It could totally happen.

But seriously, looking at my little life and where I came from and where I have ended up it really makes me think that things could be so much worse. I have not always made good choices and I am incredibly lucky in so many ways. And thats not just sappy blog writing, its the truth. I mean I once thought that picking up a random hitchhiker would be a good way to deal with boredom when I was 16 and also once I wore socks with birkenstocks back in the 90's. Yep. So I look at my beautiful babies and everything around me and I hope that I can continue to be this lucky.

How did homophobia become a christian value anyways?

Ever since all this Chick-Fila b.s. exploded all over facebook, all of a sudden eating a chicken sandwich becomes like this moral and political issue, and requires not just about 1.99$, but also a really strong opinion about alot of things that have little to do with chicken. The crazy thing is Chick-Fila is like pretty much the only fastfood I like. They use better ingredients than the others and they have this cool indoor playground that keeps the kids out of my hair. So imagine my dismay when all of a sudden the only fastfood I have let my kids eat becomes the center of all this strong opinion. Why couldnt this have happened to Burger King or hell even Taco Bell? I probably wouldnt have even noticed. Although, I kinda dig Meximelts. And those cinnamon twist things kinda rock. So anyways, I was all you know I love gay people but I am still gonna eat there. I mean those chicken nuggets are so good, I mean what are they like coated with heroin or something? But then I saw it- this picture of some people outside of a Chick-Fila near my house in cow suits wearing a sign that says "God hates Fags".
Wow, really? You know I am not like super religious, but I consider myself fundamentally Christian ( And I like gay people, crazy I know) and I like to think I have a personal relationship with God. I mean mostly I just pray when I am asking for stuff, but sometimes I occasionally pray even when I dont need something. And yeah I am not a bible scholar- I mean I tried to read it once but lets face it- the Bible is totally boring. Sorry God, but it kinda is. But I do remember some stuff about love, tolerance and doing good for other people. And I am pretty sure God doesnt really "hate" anything, I mean God is the antithesis of hate really. God is light. And I like to think if God really decided to hate someone he would hate bigoted assholes who wear hateful and intolerant signs at fastfood restaurants that children are reading and call it "Christian family values".  What if those signs said "God hates black people" or "God hates Jews"? The fact that more people are not outraged by this kinda worries me. I guess in Hitler's Germany no one was that freaked out about people were treating the Jews until the Holocaust began.
So, thanks alot douchebags with your hateful and poorly grammatically executed signs, because this Christian mommy will not be eating at Chick-Fila. I guess this is God's way of telling me that fastfood is not the best thing for my kids to eating anyways, even if they do have really cool playgrounds. 

Potty Training blows

I am so sick of thinking, reading, writing, talking and whining about the potty. I guess until I had toddlers I never gave much thought to how people just get the urge to pee or whatever and their brain sends this signal that says "wait, dont pee on yourself" and you go to this porcelain receptacle and wa-la. I thought maybe when Sawyer got to be around 2 I'd just be like "Hey, listen. Heres some Thomas underwear- could you just stop pissing yourself and start doing it in the bathroom like civilized people?" and he'd be like "Of course mother, lead the way". I never thought it would take so much freaking work. I never thought it would take him so long to care about not peeing himself. I certainly never thought I would spend a year waiting, begging, bribing and discussing it with him before he finally started to get it, making me sorta hate all those people who are all "Well my Mary Catherine, she just trained in one day. She is very bright though. Surely your poor son will get it by the time he goes to Kindergarten?"
Just this Monday he went to school in big boy underpants and he has done so well. Its finally happening, just when I thought he was gonna end up going to Kindergarten in his pull ups.And I am so proud of him. You would think he won the Nobel peace prize everytime he uses that thing, its making me tear up a little now.

Now if I could get Miss Amelie to join her big brother soon, that would be such a cakewalk. I get the feeling she will train much faster, she is already catching on much quicker. Her baby dolls even use the potty, as long as they get M&M's. 

Mommy needs a glass of wine. Or maybe just a glass of sanity.

So far tonight Amelie dumped chocolate yogurt all over herself and then put the rest in her potty while I was trying to do the dishes and I am pretty sure Sawyer peed on the dog. Seriously. I tried to get them to eat real food for dinner, but eventually gave up and let Sawyer have saltines and popcorn. Again. I managed to get Amelie to bed, but now I am letting Sawyer sit up and watch He-man, master of the universe, because I dont have the energy to start the "please please go to sleep" nightly routine yet.
Just so you know- it was NOT supposed to be this way. When I got pregnant with Sawyer I had time, time, time and money in my bank account after I paid bills. It was totally weird. Anyways so I read every baby book known to man and I watched people with their kids in Walmart and judged them. Because when I had kids- people were going to see me and be all "Oh wow, thats Susannah. Her kids only eat organic, unprocessed sustainable food made with fresh local produce while they quietly review their educational materials. Maybe at somepoint she will let them watch television, but you know the American Academy of Pediatrics really doesnt recommend that until after they are at least 2. She is probably getting in from her yoga class, I think that must be how she stays a size 2."
The reality is more like "Oh yeah thats just Susannah. Why does she look so stressed out all the time? And are those her kids climbing on top of the kitchen table and jumping off of it?" So yeah sometimes reality bites. I mean I think Amelie probably ate something fruit-like today and I totally had 2 raging stomach viruses in a 2 week period once and managed to zip up a size 2 skirt for like a day so I mean small victories I guess.
But you know even though motherhood is not exactly turning out how I envisioned it, all the little small moments make it so worth it. I look down at their grubby cute little faces while they are sleeping sometimes and I love those little people so much it hurts a little down in my stomach. And I know that there is nothing I wont do for them and that everyday for the rest of my life I will get up, even though I dont feel like it and I would really rather be watching reality tv or something, and I will devote everybit of me to making sure that I am a better person because they need me to be. Its all very humbling.

I say really deep stuff on the internet

I dont really know much about blogging, or really like the best way to start a post, but yet I am sitting here drinking 10 dollar wine and typing shit anyways. It seems a little narcissistic- this whole blogging thing- like me and my little laptop have really insightful crap to say that needs to be shared with the world. Or like probably my mom and my husband- because likely no one else will read this. Huh- I say "like" alot.
But its kinda like (I know, sorry, I cant stop saying it) when you read the first paragraph of a book and you are completely judging whether you are going to invest yourself into a book or not. And if I am not taken in by the first few pages alot of the time I am all "you know what book, I am really freaking busy and there are other books out there. Like better books with really witty and insightful shit right there in the first few pages, and I think instead of reading you I may have to just move on with my life. Because I could totally read a better book." Or I could read about Tom and Katie's divorce in People magazine, or I could post wacky ecards on Pinterest, or even post crazy adorable pictures of my kids on facebook because no one ever gets tired of seeing those. Ever. I mean my kids are adorable.
So my point was this feels like a lot of pressure this whole starting a blog first post thing, because people (I'm talking to you mom) are totally judging me right now, and it feels a little anxious for me. Like I need to come up with something mind shattering and pull you in and then you can be all "oh wow, I was feeling really down on myself but then I read Susannah's blog and I think I will start eating organic and plant a garden or maybe just change my life". But I am tired and I have nothing, so sorry to let you down. You should really go down to the river, build a bridge and get over it because its really kind of presumptuous of you to expect all that just from reading a stupid blog. Get over yourself.