You are reading my blog. You are SO lucky.

For real, you are. Because instead of laying on a ventilator restrained in multi system organ failure or maybe being incarcerated or in a whale's stomach or something, you are probably sitting somewhere in the air conditioning reading this off your iphone or ipad or i-whatever.Also you are very lucky to be reading stuff that I write because I have really awesome stuff to say. And my mom thinks I am pretty witty. And my dog loves the crap out of me so I must be pretty cool.

It kind of hit me today that I might be too lucky, and this scares me. Because whenever things seem great I feel like the universe needs to balance things out and it makes me think something bad probably needs to happen. I mean, my kids are sooooo healthy. And also adorable. And fun. I think they are the best thing to ever happen to me and pretty much the world as a whole. And I am married to a pretty great guy, things are far from perfect but we have worked through so much conflict and somehow are not divorced and love each other anyways. And we both have good jobs and we can pay like all of our bills now. Like all of them. And sometimes there is even money left over. And I get to buy shoes with it. And I ate this really great curry for dinner with cupcake wine, which I love. Also I dont hate my job or really anything about my day to day life for the most part.

So that kind of makes me worry, I mean bad things happen all the time. Like women in some parts of Africa deal with genital mutilation, and also I went to find my favorite color of nail polish at Target the other day and they no longer carry it. I was totally devastated as you can imagine. I mean, what if more bad things happen to me? What if Project Runway or Dance Moms decides to quit making episodes or something? It could totally happen.

But seriously, looking at my little life and where I came from and where I have ended up it really makes me think that things could be so much worse. I have not always made good choices and I am incredibly lucky in so many ways. And thats not just sappy blog writing, its the truth. I mean I once thought that picking up a random hitchhiker would be a good way to deal with boredom when I was 16 and also once I wore socks with birkenstocks back in the 90's. Yep. So I look at my beautiful babies and everything around me and I hope that I can continue to be this lucky.

How did homophobia become a christian value anyways?

Ever since all this Chick-Fila b.s. exploded all over facebook, all of a sudden eating a chicken sandwich becomes like this moral and political issue, and requires not just about 1.99$, but also a really strong opinion about alot of things that have little to do with chicken. The crazy thing is Chick-Fila is like pretty much the only fastfood I like. They use better ingredients than the others and they have this cool indoor playground that keeps the kids out of my hair. So imagine my dismay when all of a sudden the only fastfood I have let my kids eat becomes the center of all this strong opinion. Why couldnt this have happened to Burger King or hell even Taco Bell? I probably wouldnt have even noticed. Although, I kinda dig Meximelts. And those cinnamon twist things kinda rock. So anyways, I was all you know I love gay people but I am still gonna eat there. I mean those chicken nuggets are so good, I mean what are they like coated with heroin or something? But then I saw it- this picture of some people outside of a Chick-Fila near my house in cow suits wearing a sign that says "God hates Fags".
Wow, really? You know I am not like super religious, but I consider myself fundamentally Christian ( And I like gay people, crazy I know) and I like to think I have a personal relationship with God. I mean mostly I just pray when I am asking for stuff, but sometimes I occasionally pray even when I dont need something. And yeah I am not a bible scholar- I mean I tried to read it once but lets face it- the Bible is totally boring. Sorry God, but it kinda is. But I do remember some stuff about love, tolerance and doing good for other people. And I am pretty sure God doesnt really "hate" anything, I mean God is the antithesis of hate really. God is light. And I like to think if God really decided to hate someone he would hate bigoted assholes who wear hateful and intolerant signs at fastfood restaurants that children are reading and call it "Christian family values".  What if those signs said "God hates black people" or "God hates Jews"? The fact that more people are not outraged by this kinda worries me. I guess in Hitler's Germany no one was that freaked out about people were treating the Jews until the Holocaust began.
So, thanks alot douchebags with your hateful and poorly grammatically executed signs, because this Christian mommy will not be eating at Chick-Fila. I guess this is God's way of telling me that fastfood is not the best thing for my kids to eating anyways, even if they do have really cool playgrounds. 

Potty Training blows

I am so sick of thinking, reading, writing, talking and whining about the potty. I guess until I had toddlers I never gave much thought to how people just get the urge to pee or whatever and their brain sends this signal that says "wait, dont pee on yourself" and you go to this porcelain receptacle and wa-la. I thought maybe when Sawyer got to be around 2 I'd just be like "Hey, listen. Heres some Thomas underwear- could you just stop pissing yourself and start doing it in the bathroom like civilized people?" and he'd be like "Of course mother, lead the way". I never thought it would take so much freaking work. I never thought it would take him so long to care about not peeing himself. I certainly never thought I would spend a year waiting, begging, bribing and discussing it with him before he finally started to get it, making me sorta hate all those people who are all "Well my Mary Catherine, she just trained in one day. She is very bright though. Surely your poor son will get it by the time he goes to Kindergarten?"
Just this Monday he went to school in big boy underpants and he has done so well. Its finally happening, just when I thought he was gonna end up going to Kindergarten in his pull ups.And I am so proud of him. You would think he won the Nobel peace prize everytime he uses that thing, its making me tear up a little now.

Now if I could get Miss Amelie to join her big brother soon, that would be such a cakewalk. I get the feeling she will train much faster, she is already catching on much quicker. Her baby dolls even use the potty, as long as they get M&M's. 

Mommy needs a glass of wine. Or maybe just a glass of sanity.

So far tonight Amelie dumped chocolate yogurt all over herself and then put the rest in her potty while I was trying to do the dishes and I am pretty sure Sawyer peed on the dog. Seriously. I tried to get them to eat real food for dinner, but eventually gave up and let Sawyer have saltines and popcorn. Again. I managed to get Amelie to bed, but now I am letting Sawyer sit up and watch He-man, master of the universe, because I dont have the energy to start the "please please go to sleep" nightly routine yet.
Just so you know- it was NOT supposed to be this way. When I got pregnant with Sawyer I had time, time, time and money in my bank account after I paid bills. It was totally weird. Anyways so I read every baby book known to man and I watched people with their kids in Walmart and judged them. Because when I had kids- people were going to see me and be all "Oh wow, thats Susannah. Her kids only eat organic, unprocessed sustainable food made with fresh local produce while they quietly review their educational materials. Maybe at somepoint she will let them watch television, but you know the American Academy of Pediatrics really doesnt recommend that until after they are at least 2. She is probably getting in from her yoga class, I think that must be how she stays a size 2."
The reality is more like "Oh yeah thats just Susannah. Why does she look so stressed out all the time? And are those her kids climbing on top of the kitchen table and jumping off of it?" So yeah sometimes reality bites. I mean I think Amelie probably ate something fruit-like today and I totally had 2 raging stomach viruses in a 2 week period once and managed to zip up a size 2 skirt for like a day so I mean small victories I guess.
But you know even though motherhood is not exactly turning out how I envisioned it, all the little small moments make it so worth it. I look down at their grubby cute little faces while they are sleeping sometimes and I love those little people so much it hurts a little down in my stomach. And I know that there is nothing I wont do for them and that everyday for the rest of my life I will get up, even though I dont feel like it and I would really rather be watching reality tv or something, and I will devote everybit of me to making sure that I am a better person because they need me to be. Its all very humbling.

I say really deep stuff on the internet

I dont really know much about blogging, or really like the best way to start a post, but yet I am sitting here drinking 10 dollar wine and typing shit anyways. It seems a little narcissistic- this whole blogging thing- like me and my little laptop have really insightful crap to say that needs to be shared with the world. Or like probably my mom and my husband- because likely no one else will read this. Huh- I say "like" alot.
But its kinda like (I know, sorry, I cant stop saying it) when you read the first paragraph of a book and you are completely judging whether you are going to invest yourself into a book or not. And if I am not taken in by the first few pages alot of the time I am all "you know what book, I am really freaking busy and there are other books out there. Like better books with really witty and insightful shit right there in the first few pages, and I think instead of reading you I may have to just move on with my life. Because I could totally read a better book." Or I could read about Tom and Katie's divorce in People magazine, or I could post wacky ecards on Pinterest, or even post crazy adorable pictures of my kids on facebook because no one ever gets tired of seeing those. Ever. I mean my kids are adorable.
So my point was this feels like a lot of pressure this whole starting a blog first post thing, because people (I'm talking to you mom) are totally judging me right now, and it feels a little anxious for me. Like I need to come up with something mind shattering and pull you in and then you can be all "oh wow, I was feeling really down on myself but then I read Susannah's blog and I think I will start eating organic and plant a garden or maybe just change my life". But I am tired and I have nothing, so sorry to let you down. You should really go down to the river, build a bridge and get over it because its really kind of presumptuous of you to expect all that just from reading a stupid blog. Get over yourself.