So these last few weeks have been hard and sad. I unexpectedly resigned from my job. The federal government decided they needed our savings account more than we did. And then Abby's dog died on Dance Moms and that dog was like her child and it was really hard watching Abby go through all that. But there have been some silver linings. I have had several people buy me drinks and nachos out of pity. Also for once I LOST weight from stress, instead of gaining it. My economic future may have been uncertain these last few weeks, but man I look good filling out job applications in my skinny jeans.
Its funny I have been saying I really just want some time to myself and to lose weight, well I have done both. I always thought if I just had time I would plant a garden, go do yoga and meditate, ect. And I would love to say thats what I have been doing, but actually mostly I have been eating Chick-Fila chicken biscuits and watching bad reality tv and kind of moping.But I have worn yoga pants at least so that should count for something. And yes I feel guilty eating the Chick-Fila because its kind of like eating gay hate but I am sorry those damn biscuits are delicious. So all you fabulous gay people out there will have to forgive me, I think if you guys will just boycott Burger King next time theres some real long term potential for me to stick to that with you. It occurred to me yesterday after I spent the morning watching a marathon of Extreme Couponing, followed by a marathon of Sister Wives, and then the afternoon with Mandy Lay watching reruns of Beverly Hills 90210, that I need to get back to work. Turns out when I have alot of free time I eat junk food and do not contribute to society at all. It also occurred to me that I probably have some great potential as a possible Extreme Couponer. Other people may feel confusion and wonder why those people need those crazy stockpiles of deodorant and toothpaste, but I feel jealousy mixed with longing. I need a basement so I can start my crazy stockpile and annoy the crap out of checkout people with my 600 coupons for one transaction.
I am in the middle of getting on at Mitchell Cancer Center and I am pretty excited. It wont be fully official until next week, but they said I should be able to start within the next 2 weeks.In all seriousness I am very grateful that I will be staying in Oncology. I actually kind of love it. Plus we all know I would be really bad at doing pap smears at the Health Dept. During the interview they spoke about how they value, respect and appreciate their NP's alot, so I am optimistic. If you want to know a secret I am willing to work very hard, long hours and put up with alot of crap if you just tell me you are glad I am doing it. But I know I have to value and respect myself before other people can so I am working on that. I sang that Whitney Houston song "The Greatest Love of all" at the top of my lungs in the car the other day, so I am off to a great start.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Another year, another diet thats going to change my life, or maybe just change the next few weeks
So I am getting ready to go to the store and buy food that I can eat on this whole foods cleanse, and I guess I have to stop talking about it and actually do it at some point. I thought I had finally eaten all the junk food in the house and not to mention drank all the wine which was alot of work.But I totally stuck with it. I may be on the brink of diabetes and alcoholism, but I will be damned if I am going to throw away M&Ms or reese's cups. That would be totally crazy. So yeah, I thought, finally there is nothing remotely exciting in the pantry so I can start fresh and clean next week.
And then Stephen decides to take himself "grocery shopping" and pick up a few things the other night. I opened up the cabinets and now there are like hostess donuts, nacho cheese doritos (family size), toaster strudels, ect, ect. Its like he basically spent 150$ filling up our cabinets with the most processed food that exists. Does he hate me, or did he just eat a pot brownie before he went shopping? I am really not sure. Although I suspect his thinking was more along the lines of how there is no way I am actually going to go without sugar, grains, dairy or wine for 30 days, so why pretend? And he may be right, but man I wish he would humor me every once in awhile.
So despite the fact that our house has more high fructose corn syrup and preservatives than the little Debbie cake factory in it right now, I will forge on and plan to eat nothing but whole foods for 30 days starting tomorrow. Although I am interested to see how it may benefit my health, mainly it is getting on my nerves that no one seems to think I can do it and frankly thats the main reason I want to do it at this point. Also I have forgotten what it looks like when your gut doesnt hang out over the top of your jeans. Wish me luck!!
And then Stephen decides to take himself "grocery shopping" and pick up a few things the other night. I opened up the cabinets and now there are like hostess donuts, nacho cheese doritos (family size), toaster strudels, ect, ect. Its like he basically spent 150$ filling up our cabinets with the most processed food that exists. Does he hate me, or did he just eat a pot brownie before he went shopping? I am really not sure. Although I suspect his thinking was more along the lines of how there is no way I am actually going to go without sugar, grains, dairy or wine for 30 days, so why pretend? And he may be right, but man I wish he would humor me every once in awhile.
So despite the fact that our house has more high fructose corn syrup and preservatives than the little Debbie cake factory in it right now, I will forge on and plan to eat nothing but whole foods for 30 days starting tomorrow. Although I am interested to see how it may benefit my health, mainly it is getting on my nerves that no one seems to think I can do it and frankly thats the main reason I want to do it at this point. Also I have forgotten what it looks like when your gut doesnt hang out over the top of your jeans. Wish me luck!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thankful
Thanksgiving is such a weird holiday. Its like lets celebrate Europeans annihilating Native American culture by buying unreasonable amounts of food and then eating until we almost barf. Also lets post everyday for the whole month generic things we are thankful for on facebook while we are at it. Lets get together with our dysfunctional families and watch football. Or maybe your family is really functional- I dont know. And I am not saying I dont like Thanksgiving, I mean I like eating absurd amounts of food until I hate myself and posting stuff all over facebook as much as the next guy. Maybe more. In fact I am pretty sure there will be a picture of my kids posted on facebook doing something really adorable in Thanksgiving outfits that day, do not despair. My husband got called off work, so I decided to make a list of generic things I am thankful for:
1. I am really thankful that my husband got called off work and took over the bathing of the screaming angry toddlers because I was starting to question my ability to maintain my sanity.
2. Yoga pants.
3. Those little Krackle chocolate bars.
4. 30 rock reruns on Netflix.
5. That somehow I function in society and maintain gainful employment. And that I get to wear whatever shoes I want to work everyday.
6. That I am not pregnant.
7. That my babies are so freaking adorable.
8. Ben N Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
9. My husband thinks I am cute.
10. My dog thinks I am pretty much the coolest person who ever lived.
11. That I have 5 whole followers that read my blog and care what I have to say (thanks Grandma)
12. That my pant size is currently in the single digits.
13. Shirts that hide muffin tops.
14. Red red wine
15. That I know all the words to Beck's Loser.
16. That my kids sleep at night sometimes.
17. That no one in my house has thrown up for at least a month
18. Central heat and air
19. that owls are trendy now
20. that I actually have family and friends who can stand to be around me
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone:)
1. I am really thankful that my husband got called off work and took over the bathing of the screaming angry toddlers because I was starting to question my ability to maintain my sanity.
2. Yoga pants.
3. Those little Krackle chocolate bars.
4. 30 rock reruns on Netflix.
5. That somehow I function in society and maintain gainful employment. And that I get to wear whatever shoes I want to work everyday.
6. That I am not pregnant.
7. That my babies are so freaking adorable.
8. Ben N Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
9. My husband thinks I am cute.
10. My dog thinks I am pretty much the coolest person who ever lived.
11. That I have 5 whole followers that read my blog and care what I have to say (thanks Grandma)
12. That my pant size is currently in the single digits.
13. Shirts that hide muffin tops.
14. Red red wine
15. That I know all the words to Beck's Loser.
16. That my kids sleep at night sometimes.
17. That no one in my house has thrown up for at least a month
18. Central heat and air
19. that owls are trendy now
20. that I actually have family and friends who can stand to be around me
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone:)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Blah blah blah
I just read this funny illustrated book called "Shit girls say". And so then I started thinking about how mostly I say the same stuff over and over again and I got inspired. Also I had some time on my hands since I was off work today. So here is a list of stuff that I say alot:
1. I am soooo freaking tired
2.. I really need some caffiene
3. I totally drank too much caffeine.
4. Omg please take that out of your mouth!!
5. Because I said so
6. Because you have to.
7. No we dont eat Fritos for breakfast. BECAUSE WE DONT.
8. But you have to anyways. Because if you dont we are NOT watching Thomas later.
9. Baby mommy loves you but you are really getting on mommy's nerves
10. Because mommy has a headache
11. I am totally starting my diet back tomorrow.
12. Are you gonna eat that?
13. Hold my cake for a minute.
14. Yes I would like extra cheese.
15. could I see a dessert menu?Do you have anything chocolate?
16. Is there high fructose corn syrup in that?
17. I dont know- I mean is it organic?
18. Stephen where did you put my keys????!!!
19. Seriously where are my freaking keys?
20. Oh never mind- found them:)
21. Do these jeans give me a muffin top?
22. Hold on I need to update my facebook status
23. OMG she did not just say that on my facebook page!!
24. But I really NEED these shoes.
25. Seriously?
26. What.The.Crap.
27. Mothertrucker
28. Son of a bisquick eater
29. Could you please just build a bridge and get over it?
30. Maybe you could just eat some makeup then you could be pretty on the inside too
31. 9021-Oh no she didnt
32. I will have a glass of your cheapest red wine
33. She should really worry less about her looks and more about her boring personality
34. Those shoes are SO adorable
35. Could you just stop talking for just a minute? Thanks.
1. I am soooo freaking tired
2.. I really need some caffiene
3. I totally drank too much caffeine.
4. Omg please take that out of your mouth!!
5. Because I said so
6. Because you have to.
7. No we dont eat Fritos for breakfast. BECAUSE WE DONT.
8. But you have to anyways. Because if you dont we are NOT watching Thomas later.
9. Baby mommy loves you but you are really getting on mommy's nerves
10. Because mommy has a headache
11. I am totally starting my diet back tomorrow.
12. Are you gonna eat that?
13. Hold my cake for a minute.
14. Yes I would like extra cheese.
15. could I see a dessert menu?Do you have anything chocolate?
16. Is there high fructose corn syrup in that?
17. I dont know- I mean is it organic?
18. Stephen where did you put my keys????!!!
19. Seriously where are my freaking keys?
20. Oh never mind- found them:)
21. Do these jeans give me a muffin top?
22. Hold on I need to update my facebook status
23. OMG she did not just say that on my facebook page!!
24. But I really NEED these shoes.
25. Seriously?
26. What.The.Crap.
27. Mothertrucker
28. Son of a bisquick eater
29. Could you please just build a bridge and get over it?
30. Maybe you could just eat some makeup then you could be pretty on the inside too
31. 9021-Oh no she didnt
32. I will have a glass of your cheapest red wine
33. She should really worry less about her looks and more about her boring personality
34. Those shoes are SO adorable
35. Could you just stop talking for just a minute? Thanks.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I can dress them really cute, but I cant take them anywhere
Today I took the kids to the train table at the bookstore, where we hang like all the time. Its free, it keeps the kids busy, and I can drink my coffee and read. Well kinda, I mean really I read like a paragraph and then look up and see my kids dumping milk on other kids and then regulate, sit back down and read another paragraph and then pull something non edible out of their mouths and repeat. Its actually sort of exhausting. But I guess its free? But come to think of it they always see something they want and I end up buying milk at the coffee place inside, so hmmm........crap. Maybe I should stop going there all the time. Anyways we went there today per our routine and everything was going good. Nobody had any potty accidents, or fights about which train to play with and they hadnt even tried to eat the trains or anything. I was quietly reading my trashy book ( I am on the 2 nd book in the 50 shades trilogy) and hoping none of the other parents there would see thats what I was reading.
And then Amelie starts dumping her really overpriced Horizon organic vanilla milk with the cute straw all over someones baby and saying "here you go, here you go." And the mom looked completely freaked. So I apologized, offered a baby wipe and drug my kid away from her baby and quietly told Amelie no. And that was when shit got real at the Barnes and Noble train table. Amelie lost it like a fed up postal worker. She threw like this rock star temper tantrum, complete with head butting, screaming, and kicking. So then I had to convince Sawyer to leave, while carrying coffee, diaper bag, keys, wallet and my screaming kid and being watched by some particularly judgey moms. I think one tsk-tsked at me. But no one helped, they just judged. And then I realized I left my trashy book sitting there after I had finally made it halfway to the car. I thought about leaving it, but I am so close to finishing it and I totally want to see what happens. So I dragged the screaming toddler parade back to the train table and grabbed my trashy erotic novel with as much dignity as I could muster up while carrying 2 screaming kids and all their stuff. I think if the bookstore had security they probably would have escorted me out.
Soooooo we are getting ready to try to take the kids to the Dinosaurs thing with my family this afternoon, and frankly with the way Amelie's tantrums have been going we may end up on the news. Hopefully she has gotten it out of her system for the day. I think all these kids places should have like cash bars for the parents, they would make alot of $$.
And then Amelie starts dumping her really overpriced Horizon organic vanilla milk with the cute straw all over someones baby and saying "here you go, here you go." And the mom looked completely freaked. So I apologized, offered a baby wipe and drug my kid away from her baby and quietly told Amelie no. And that was when shit got real at the Barnes and Noble train table. Amelie lost it like a fed up postal worker. She threw like this rock star temper tantrum, complete with head butting, screaming, and kicking. So then I had to convince Sawyer to leave, while carrying coffee, diaper bag, keys, wallet and my screaming kid and being watched by some particularly judgey moms. I think one tsk-tsked at me. But no one helped, they just judged. And then I realized I left my trashy book sitting there after I had finally made it halfway to the car. I thought about leaving it, but I am so close to finishing it and I totally want to see what happens. So I dragged the screaming toddler parade back to the train table and grabbed my trashy erotic novel with as much dignity as I could muster up while carrying 2 screaming kids and all their stuff. I think if the bookstore had security they probably would have escorted me out.
Soooooo we are getting ready to try to take the kids to the Dinosaurs thing with my family this afternoon, and frankly with the way Amelie's tantrums have been going we may end up on the news. Hopefully she has gotten it out of her system for the day. I think all these kids places should have like cash bars for the parents, they would make alot of $$.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Normal is just a setting on the dryer
Just a disclaimer: if you dont want to read about my feelings about my dad's death then by all means stop reading this and go to youtube and watch some videos of kittens doing adorable stuff like eating spaghetti or something.I mean its not very uplifting or even funny. This blog more for the people who feel his absence in their lives, but anyone is welcome to read it if you care. Or even if you really dont care but have nothing better to do for the next 2 minutes.
Dad has just been heavy on my mind this week, because this past week was the 2nd year anniversary of his death. And thinking about how he died makes me sad and so I thought maybe writing about how I feel may be therapeutic. I tried really hard to think of a light and funny way to write about it but suicide is just not funny. I mean, I googled "suicide jokes" and they really disappointed me. There was this one about why did the chicken commit suicide (to get to the other side, harhar) that was ok, but mostly I was really let down by the quality of suicide jokes available on the internet. So if you ever want to know some I really dont know any. Sorry to let you down.
But yeah so I have been thinking about him alot this week. I wish I was all zen and said stuff like "Well I bet he is just looking down at me and my kids and his family from heaven and just smiling. I bet he is fishing with Papaw. He is with God now so thats peachy" But the truth is when I think about him my thoughts are mostly sad, angry and regretful. Its been 2 years and frankly I am still so mad at him. Mad about the fact that he thought the only way out of his pain and misery was to end his life, mad that he never met his grandkids, mad that he let me down so much as a teenager and later young adult, mad that he wasnt there when I needed him over and over again, and mad that he didnt try harder in general. I am not saying its completely fair to him to be so angry but its just honestly how I feel. But the after the anger comes out, comes the sadness. I am sad that I will never get to repair our relationship, sad that Sawyer and Amelie wont get to grow up knowing him and seeing him at birthday parties or on Christmas, sad that I cant make any of it fit into this idea in my head of what its supposed to be like. Sad that I am never going to have this "normal" 90's sitcom family life.
The only comfort I have is that I genuinely have some great early childhood memories and he is the reason for alot of them. Dad really loved us kids for real. I really believe that even when things got so fractured between him and us that he never stopped loving us really.So if the Beatles are right and love is all you need well at least that part is covered. I think if he was still around he would love my kids too. I mean Sawyer loves fart jokes almost as much as dad did so they would have alot to talk about. So dad, if you are in the afterlife hanging out reading my blog, then I am mad at you still, but I forgive you for everything and I miss you and love you, and I really wish things could have been different.
Dad has just been heavy on my mind this week, because this past week was the 2nd year anniversary of his death. And thinking about how he died makes me sad and so I thought maybe writing about how I feel may be therapeutic. I tried really hard to think of a light and funny way to write about it but suicide is just not funny. I mean, I googled "suicide jokes" and they really disappointed me. There was this one about why did the chicken commit suicide (to get to the other side, harhar) that was ok, but mostly I was really let down by the quality of suicide jokes available on the internet. So if you ever want to know some I really dont know any. Sorry to let you down.
But yeah so I have been thinking about him alot this week. I wish I was all zen and said stuff like "Well I bet he is just looking down at me and my kids and his family from heaven and just smiling. I bet he is fishing with Papaw. He is with God now so thats peachy" But the truth is when I think about him my thoughts are mostly sad, angry and regretful. Its been 2 years and frankly I am still so mad at him. Mad about the fact that he thought the only way out of his pain and misery was to end his life, mad that he never met his grandkids, mad that he let me down so much as a teenager and later young adult, mad that he wasnt there when I needed him over and over again, and mad that he didnt try harder in general. I am not saying its completely fair to him to be so angry but its just honestly how I feel. But the after the anger comes out, comes the sadness. I am sad that I will never get to repair our relationship, sad that Sawyer and Amelie wont get to grow up knowing him and seeing him at birthday parties or on Christmas, sad that I cant make any of it fit into this idea in my head of what its supposed to be like. Sad that I am never going to have this "normal" 90's sitcom family life.
The only comfort I have is that I genuinely have some great early childhood memories and he is the reason for alot of them. Dad really loved us kids for real. I really believe that even when things got so fractured between him and us that he never stopped loving us really.So if the Beatles are right and love is all you need well at least that part is covered. I think if he was still around he would love my kids too. I mean Sawyer loves fart jokes almost as much as dad did so they would have alot to talk about. So dad, if you are in the afterlife hanging out reading my blog, then I am mad at you still, but I forgive you for everything and I miss you and love you, and I really wish things could have been different.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Its too bad he's never cried.
So it turns out working with a bunch of patients who are like mostly dying from cancer is sorta depressing. Who knew? When I was first offered the job I have now in oncology, they were like"This can be a very sad job, are you sure you can deal with it"? And really I wasnt that worried about the sadness part at the time. I was way more concerned that these people wanted me to do bone marrow biopsies on actual breathing people. I mean ME. I was all-" have these people met me?" I mean sometimes I dont have the coordination to make it across the parking lot without tripping a few times, and I dont have the technical skills to change a light bulb. I mean, hello, thats why I got married. And you want me to stick this giant needle where? The fact that I was eventually able to to not only learn how to do them well but also without throwing up all over people still amazes me to this day. Although I do kinda feel sorry for the first 25 or so people I did. Ok, really sorry. If I could send them a "Sorry you got a sucky bone marrow biopsy" card I totally would. But I doubt they make those.
The more I learn about cancer and treating it, the more comfortable I get with my job as far as having an idea of the whole picture and getting things done. Which is great and all, and I am really glad I no longer have that really bad anxiety about not having a clue what I am doing that people new to any field have to go through. The problem is, the more I understand, the more I am starting to feel like I should take a Prozac just to come to work sometimes. The other day I was seeing this younger woman who has this terrible cancer and we were talking about pedicures, shoes and stuff. And then she was talking about her child and I started talking about my kids some too. And all of a sudden it just hit me like a punch in the face that she probably wont live to see her child grow up because of the type of cancer she has. And suddenly I understand what all that means and I understand that she is absolutely going to die. And its like we are the same age so maybe thats why it felt so intense, but I got so nauseated and faint I had to sit down. I think I mumbled something and left the room and had to like cry somewhere.And I am not a cute crier. I am like one of those people whose whole face swells up like a marshmellow afterwards, so its a bad situation to cry at work.
I keep having more and more of those moments lately. The stupid thing is, is that I am genuinely surprised by how sad it is to take care of people dying from cancer. <insert joke here about rocking but not being made of stone. I am sooo freaking funny> Seriously though, sometimes I am just like I am not going to even get to know these people because they might die and it will make me sad, but since I am not capable of shutting up for more than ten consecutive minutes I am not very successful at that approach. No I ask about their jobs, families and lives and then get surprised when I get sad that they get sick and sometimes die. I am really not sure what to do about all of it, but I am not really sure that anyone who works in this type of field is.
The more I learn about cancer and treating it, the more comfortable I get with my job as far as having an idea of the whole picture and getting things done. Which is great and all, and I am really glad I no longer have that really bad anxiety about not having a clue what I am doing that people new to any field have to go through. The problem is, the more I understand, the more I am starting to feel like I should take a Prozac just to come to work sometimes. The other day I was seeing this younger woman who has this terrible cancer and we were talking about pedicures, shoes and stuff. And then she was talking about her child and I started talking about my kids some too. And all of a sudden it just hit me like a punch in the face that she probably wont live to see her child grow up because of the type of cancer she has. And suddenly I understand what all that means and I understand that she is absolutely going to die. And its like we are the same age so maybe thats why it felt so intense, but I got so nauseated and faint I had to sit down. I think I mumbled something and left the room and had to like cry somewhere.And I am not a cute crier. I am like one of those people whose whole face swells up like a marshmellow afterwards, so its a bad situation to cry at work.
I keep having more and more of those moments lately. The stupid thing is, is that I am genuinely surprised by how sad it is to take care of people dying from cancer. <insert joke here about rocking but not being made of stone. I am sooo freaking funny> Seriously though, sometimes I am just like I am not going to even get to know these people because they might die and it will make me sad, but since I am not capable of shutting up for more than ten consecutive minutes I am not very successful at that approach. No I ask about their jobs, families and lives and then get surprised when I get sad that they get sick and sometimes die. I am really not sure what to do about all of it, but I am not really sure that anyone who works in this type of field is.
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