I still remember the exact moment from my childhood when I found out I was poor white trash. It was when my 1st grade friend Amy, who had come to my house for a playdate, informed me that from now on if we do playdates her mom said they had to be at her house. I was like "really, why?" and she said "Oh well because you are poor white trash. But I really like you anyways and want to stay friends." So I stayed friends with her and we went to her house for our playdates from then on out. And I noticed that HER house had like 2 stories. And carpet everywhere, that was clean. And a BIG SCREEN TV. And name brand koolaid. Dang, I thought, being poor white trash is sort of a gyp. So I prayed at night: "Dear God, could you please make me like Amy so I can have a 2 story house and drink name brand koolaid? Ok well not just like her. I mean, lets face it I am wayyyy cuter obviously since I have won a bunch of pageants so maybe I could just be like her except look like me. And actually my personality is kind of better obviously since I won the best personality award at my last pageant so maybe I should keep that too. Oh and I am kind of smarter than her because she hasnt even figured out that the whole Santa thing is a racket, so I would also like to stay just as smart. You know what God- could you just give me Amy's house and her cool stuff and I could stay the same person? Because then my life would be perfect." So um clearly even though I was poor white trash, I did not have self esteem issues at that point in my life.
Now that I have small kids and playdates and the whole nine yards I am spending some time reflecting back on all this stuff, and its a little terrifying. Sawyer is starting Kindergarten soon and the whole thing makes me sort of nauseated. I mean I work really hard so that hopefully they wont face some of the same trials I faced growing up. But even with the right house, the right clothes, a support system and all that jazz there is still so much cruelty in the world. You can spend all this time trying to do everything right and there is still so much that they are exposed to that you cant control. There are bullies, mentally ill people who bring guns to schools, exclusion, misogyny, psychopathy, discrimination, ect. I know they have to get out there and learn to make their way through everything but it makes me sick thinking about it sometimes. Because not everyone you meet is kind.
Lately I have been thinking alot about kindness. Why is it so important? I think its because we are all broken people in a broken world and I think kindness may be what connects us. What makes us human. Without it, what are we really? I just hope that whatever my kids end up doing with their lives that they learn how important it is to be kind and what kindness says about us as human beings.
