If you guys dont go to bed soon, mommy is going to lose it. Again.

It takes like 2 hours for the kids to actually go to sleep after we "put them to bed" every night. Amelie sings Disney songs and made up songs about her classmates really loud. Sawyer suddenly needs to go to the bathroom once every ten minutes. It used to really stress me out. I micromanaged and negotiated and yelled. It didnt make them go to bed any earlier and I felt like I needed a Xanax when it was all said and done. I am now to the point where when they start singing and giggling and not sleeping, I no longer give a crap as long as they stay in their rooms. Its called lowered expectations people.

The other day we ended up going to a 4th of July cookout at a friends house where we were the only ones who brought kids. So immediately the kids ate a crap ton of sugar and ran in circles, bumped into coffee tables, punched some dogs in the face, crawled all over each other, jumped off the backs of various pieces of furniture, ect, ect- you get the picture. And suddenly I saw my kids through the eyes of the people there, mostly childless people who did stuff like wake up when they feel like it and watch stuff on TV thats not about superheros, and I remembered why I mostly only hang out with other people with small kids. Because they are the only ones who get it. If I had been one of those childless people at that party watching my kids act like crazy drunk monkeys, I truly would have thought that when I had kids, they certainly would not act like that. I remember very clearly thinking that if toddlers  weren't quiet and "well mannered" that surely it was a direct reflection of the parents. Turns out toddlers just act like crazy drunk monkeys alot unless you beat them, and you arent allowed to do that anymore. This whole parenting thing has been humbling for me to say the least.

Its funny how we as people, me included, tend to judge instead of empathize. I work with a lot of uninsured and economically disadvantaged people and its so interesting how quickly people judge and condemn them for having the nerve to get terminal cancer without proper insurance or financial support. Frankly, if you get diagnosed with cancer and you are poor, in alot of cases you will be treated badly because of it and you will get substandard care. But I kind of think that treating someone who is dying differently because they have no insurance is disgusting. Treating somebody badly because they are economically disadvantaged does not make you superior to them, it just makes you an asshole. We all need to remember and realize that most people are where they are in life economically not just because of decisions that they have made, but because of the cards that they are dealt. Because of their circumstances. Because poverty is cyclical and "breaking the cycle" is actually nearly impossible if you really research it. Chances are that the medical professional who is being so judgmental was born in the middle or upper class, had a stable childhood, a house with air conditioning and heat and didnt know what it was like to steal food because you were hungry or how to hide from child protective services. Its not an even playing field, and some people have a hell of alot more to overcome than others.

So anyways next time you are judging someone, or find yourself saying "I would never" or " What was she thinking" just remember that life can be very humbling and circumstances can change quickly and really we all need to work on this whole empathy thing.

On kindness

I still remember the exact moment from my childhood when I found out I was poor white trash. It was when my 1st grade friend Amy, who had come to my house for a playdate, informed me that from now on if we do playdates her mom said they had to be at her house. I was like "really, why?" and she said "Oh well because you are poor white trash. But I really like you anyways and want to stay friends." So I stayed friends with her and we went to her house for our playdates from then on out. And I noticed that HER house had like 2 stories. And carpet everywhere, that was clean. And a BIG SCREEN TV. And name brand koolaid. Dang, I thought, being poor white trash is sort of a gyp. So I prayed at night: "Dear God, could you please make me like Amy so I can have a 2 story house and drink name brand koolaid? Ok well not just like her. I mean, lets face it I am wayyyy cuter obviously since I have won a bunch of pageants so maybe I could just be like her except look like me. And actually my personality is kind of better obviously since I won the best personality award at my last pageant so maybe I should keep that too. Oh and I am kind of smarter than her because she hasnt even figured out that the whole Santa thing is a racket, so I would also like to stay just as smart. You know what God- could you just give me Amy's house and her cool stuff and I could stay the same person? Because then my life would be perfect." So um clearly even though I was poor white trash, I did not have self esteem issues at that point in my life.
Now that I have small kids and playdates and the whole nine yards I am spending some time reflecting back on all this stuff, and its a little terrifying. Sawyer is starting Kindergarten soon and the whole thing makes me sort of nauseated. I mean I work really hard so that hopefully they wont face some of the same trials I faced growing up. But even with the right house, the right clothes, a support system and all that jazz there is still so much cruelty in the world. You can spend all this time trying to do everything right and there is still so much that they are exposed to that you cant control. There are bullies, mentally ill people who bring guns to schools, exclusion, misogyny, psychopathy, discrimination, ect. I know they have to get out there and learn to make their way through everything but it makes me sick thinking about it sometimes. Because not everyone you meet is kind.
Lately I have been thinking alot about kindness. Why is it so important? I think its because we are all broken people in a broken world and I think kindness may be what connects us. What makes us human. Without it, what are we really? I just hope that whatever my kids end up doing with their lives that they learn how important it is to be kind and what kindness says about us as human beings.

No facial lady, I don't exfoliate

So I got a facial today and a massage. Which was nice. Also I didnt pay for it, which is pretty much double nice. Apparently during facials they spend time "extracting some trouble areas" which I found out means they pop your zits under this bright light and then torture you with this metal thing that pokes your face. When I got done the facial lady told me that she was sorry she had to "extract so much" but I have problem areas around my T-zone. I didnt actually know what the crap a T-zone was or why I should care but I smiled and said thank you anyways. Frankly I only got a facial because I thought they would rub creams on my face that smelled good and maybe play with my hair but I guess its really alot more serious than that because then she went on to give me really long lecture about the importance of exfoliation and how she could tell that I didnt have a regimen. Really I should be using a toner. Why wasnt I doing that? Didnt I care about my skin?
Well um maybe I dont "exfoliate" my "T-zone" and use "toner" as a part of my daily regimen, but I do take showers at least every other day. AND when I get food on my face, I totally wipe it off most of the time. And I am not trying to brag or anything but I almost never forget to wear deodorant. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it facial lady.
 I mean at least I have a daily "Regimen". No it doesnt include exfoliation, its more like:

1. Have a really hard time getting out of bed each morning because I stayed up too late reading/facebooking/pinteresting/watching netflix. Wait till last possible minute to get up. Swear to God and Jehovah that tonight will be different and I will go to bed earlier.
2. Beg kids to get dressed and eat breakfast quickly. Act surprised that my kids really dont give a crap that I am late to work. Again. And that they have no sense of urgency.
3. Put greasy hair into ponytail. Swear that one day I will do something with hair.
4. Argue with Amelie about why she has to get in her carseat and cant just ride in the front seat or drive. Look crazy yelling at my kids to "just get in the freaking car so we can go to school, omg why does it take ten years to leave the house every morning!!"
5. Drop off kids. Drive to work. Listen to bad pop music really loud in the car.
6. Arrive to work. Shove down Luna bar. Decide I am still hungry. Find donuts. Swear that tomorrow will start diet.
7. Work. Talk to people about cancer alot.
8. Get off work. Fight traffic. Cuss alot about how much I hate traffic.
9. Barely make it to daycare as it closes.
10. Get home. Feed kids. Bathe kids. Dress them. Negotiate with them. Micromanage the crap out of them.
11. Beg them to go sleep.
12. Complain about how tired I am, vow to go to bed really soon.
13. Pour wine.
14. Get really caught up in season 9 of Grey's Anatomy. Like really caught up. Those doctors are so pretty.
15. Realize its midnight. Curse at self. Collapse exhausted into bed. Swear that tomorrow will be different.

Anyways you get the picture. So no, I dont exfoliate. But I managed to not go off on the facial lady and actually thank her for the advice which was a pretty big victory for me.

For my Amelie

Earlier today Amelie had the craziest like 30 minute long emotional meltdown that really tested my sanity. Over a Hello Kitty towel. By the end of it I was stress eating my second sleeve of the day of girl scout cookies and googling articles on child hood emotional disorders. Eventually I just hugged her and she magically stopped.

I really cant tell that she fits the profile for any emotional disorders, but watching her today it really hit me what a little firestorm that girl is. She is so intense sometimes. And determined. And she has such a hard time adjusting to all the injustices of the world, and sometimes just flat out refuses to accept them. She is just like me. And that scares the crap out of me.

There is this quote that basically outlines 3 types of people: those who learn by reading, those who learn by observing and then there are those who must pee on the electric fence. I myself have peed on many an electric fence. Its just who I am. And it is a horrible way to learn, but an arguably effective one.

You see, I really dont want to watch my daughter do all that. I want so bad to tell her everything I have learned so she can just skip it all. Things like:

1. Do not worry so much about if people like you or base your self esteem off the approval of others. Find approval within yourself. That is what actually matters.

2. Do not accept it when people treat you like shit. People treat you how you let them. Do not be afraid to walk away from shitty relationships, toxic friendships or jobs where there is no mutual respect between you and your superiors. You are worth more. Find that worth within yourself and set boundaries and when they are crossed get your shit and go. You will be better off for it.

3. Always buy shoes at the end of season clearance for the next year. You will save so much money.

4.If you are going to get a tattoo, take some time and make sure it actually means something. Do not walk into a tattoo parlor because you are bored and you just turned 18 and pick something out of the book because it looks kind of cool.

5.Thin mint girl scout cookies have like way less calories than the rest of them so you can eat twice as many.

6. Do not fear change. Sometimes there is so much pain that change is the only way out. Change is how you learn and grow and become who you are meant to be.

7. Realize that you are so important and that those sad thoughts in your head are not to be lingered on. You have a purpose and a role and even though we are so small we all have our part to play in life. We all matter.

8. Let the little shit go. Just let it go. Its not important.

9. Babies dont sleep much so make sure you dont care to do that for awhile when you have them.

10. Always be humble. Always. If you are not humble then life will put you in your place.

11. Be very kind to the people beneath you. You will need them to save your ass one day.

12. Most importantly, no matter what anyone says to you: You is kind. You is smart. You is important. 

And this is what I wish for my daughter to learn. So maybe she can be one of those who learn by reading?

On damage, dysfunction and courage

So I recently read one of the new Malcolm Gladwell books, it was called "David and Goliath: Underdogs, misfits and the art of battling giants."He addresses the concept of courage, and how although people tend to view courage as this inborn trait that some people just magically have, that its not really the case.
Here is what he had to say:

“Courage is not something that you already have that makes you brave when the tough times start. Courage is what you earn when you’ve been through the tough times and you discover they aren’t so tough after all.”

I dont know why this resonated so much with me, but it did. Let me just say that I dont feel very courageous right now. I have tolerated alot of dysfunction at times because change scares me. I have let myself be mistreated by others and engaged in people pleasing behaviors even though I knew it wasnt right. I havent always stood up for the stupid and crazy, and I feel like I should. Somebody needs to. Hell at times I am the stupid and crazy.

So if courage comes from going through tough times, shouldn't I be more courageous by now?I mean I know that I am only 30 years old, but I have at least 60 years worth of damage and dysfunction. I am broken beyond my years. No offense to my mom, who is probably one of the only people who will read this and whom I love dearly, but my childhood kind of sounds like a lifetime made for TV movie or something. Theres poverty, divorce, abuse, neglect, caregivers with mental illnesses, suicide, alcoholism, ect ect. By the time I was 12 I was broken and cynical and depressed and had no hope for the future. By the time I was 16 I had done what anyone with a childhood like mine was supposed to do and experimented with drugs/took bad risks like I had nothing to lose/ and just devalued myself all around because thats what everyone around me seemed to expect anyways. There was a turning point for me around that time and I worked very hard to transform my life because it started to occur to me that no one else was going to step up and do it for me. I dont think courage had much to do with it in retrospect, it was more the fact that it pissed me off so bad that everyone around me gave up on me so damn easy and none of them would have cared or been surprised if I had ended up making meth in a trailer park somewhere. I took that anger, and I worked very hard to try and succeed because I had so many jerk offs to prove wrong.

So now here I am, clawed my way to the middle class, married someone with a much more affluent upbringing than mine, had 2 beautiful babies, got some degrees, graduated in the top of my class a few times, got some awards and certifications, ect ect.And really I know that being a nurse practitioner is not everyone's idea of success, but  it was highly improbable that someone like me could ever do it.

But at the end of the day, I feel like I still have so much to learn and I am not adequate and I wish I had more courage. Theres a part of me that wonders if after all this I still am not courageous, will I ever be? I look at my kids and I want so much better for them. I dont want them to go through the things I went through. So I really want to learn how to be courageous. Its a work in progress.

I dont want to work. I just want to bang on the drums all day.

Sometimes work just feels really heavy. I have been an oncology NP for almost 3 years now, and I like to think I actually have a knowledge base and also some judgement that has developed slowly, painfully, and did I mention painfully, over time. I thought surely by now if I managed to make it to this point in my career that work would be so much easier. But no. I am finding out that it really doesnt matter if you know what the hell you are doing and why you are doing it and also that 50 oncologists agree its the right thing to do, you can still wind up knee deep in shit. You can still piss off other providers. Worst case scenarios play out and people die. Sometimes really nice people die. Like people who complimented your shoes and told you its not weird at all to own so many pairs.

Of course part of the problem is I ended up working in a specialty that deals in giving dying people poison.  When people are sick as crap and you give them poison bad things happen sometimes. And you have to make decisions. And even the littlest ones can have these big consequences and call your judgement into question. Some days I just feel like I am walking around in this giant minefield. And I go to get my toenails done and I start looking at the girl painting them and I feel really jealous of her. I bet she has never had to tell someone with small kids that lost her health insurance that the melanoma she got resected and thought was gone is not only back, but its all over her lungs and liver and its probably not survivable. I bet she didnt have to do a bone marrow biopsy on someone with bad pain control issues who was having a panic attack today and get kicked in the process. And I bet she has never had to argue with a pissed off neurosurgeon who is trying hard to find someone besides himself to blame for a bad and preventable post op bleed.

But the weird thing is, I actually love my job. It is heavy, but I think that I would tire of something light very quickly. I love the complexity, the intensity and the basic human connectedness. I love how the little things you do for people can mean so much when they are at such a bad point in their lives, and I love that what I do can actually make a positive difference to somebody. And I guess I would get pretty bored giving people pedicures. I dont know what will happen down the road, but I hope I have the chance to stick with oncology and continue to learn and grow. In the meantime I will just continue to come to work everyday and keep praying that I dont hurt people with the things I dont know and that maybe I can help people with the things I do.

Are you there God, it's me, Susannah. Yes, again.

So me and Stephen talked about it and after we hopefully get our house sold and settle into a new place we want to actually start attending church. Like voluntarily. It feels like a big step since I love being lazy and wearing yoga pants and reading trashy books on Sunday, and going to church would require getting up and like dressed and stuff, but I think I am ready.
My "personal relationship with God" has been complicated. Growing up for me was chaotic and unstable, and things were very hard for me at times. That combined with my tendency to question any sort of authority got us off on the wrong foot. I didn't speak to God for years and years. I also spent a lot of time being really angry with God about various injustices. If me and God were a couple back then, we would have spent a lot of time having really trashy fights where I threw beer in Gods face and then threw Gods clothes all over the lawn all the time. Kind of like an episode of Cops.
I didn't start talking to God until after I had my babies. I started talking to God slowly and it's just built and built over the last 4 years or so. And now I won't shut up. And maybe God is sick of hearing from me all the time now, I don't know. I guess I just decided that I don't want my kids to live in a world without an almighty force of balance, where being kind and brave is rewarded and worthwhile. I don't want my kids to grow up in a world without a God. It's too sad to think about. I never felt God in my heart growing up or as a younger adult, but it's the craziest thing that now I feel it all the time. It sounds cheesy and its hard to explain in a blog.
But anyways, I guess I need to find a church. I am not really sure how to go about that, but I guess I can just google it or something. I think I should also find like a really big hat with a bunch of flowers and feathers on it. I am pretty sure you have to wear one of those when you go to church.