I dont want to work. I just want to bang on the drums all day.

Sometimes work just feels really heavy. I have been an oncology NP for almost 3 years now, and I like to think I actually have a knowledge base and also some judgement that has developed slowly, painfully, and did I mention painfully, over time. I thought surely by now if I managed to make it to this point in my career that work would be so much easier. But no. I am finding out that it really doesnt matter if you know what the hell you are doing and why you are doing it and also that 50 oncologists agree its the right thing to do, you can still wind up knee deep in shit. You can still piss off other providers. Worst case scenarios play out and people die. Sometimes really nice people die. Like people who complimented your shoes and told you its not weird at all to own so many pairs.

Of course part of the problem is I ended up working in a specialty that deals in giving dying people poison.  When people are sick as crap and you give them poison bad things happen sometimes. And you have to make decisions. And even the littlest ones can have these big consequences and call your judgement into question. Some days I just feel like I am walking around in this giant minefield. And I go to get my toenails done and I start looking at the girl painting them and I feel really jealous of her. I bet she has never had to tell someone with small kids that lost her health insurance that the melanoma she got resected and thought was gone is not only back, but its all over her lungs and liver and its probably not survivable. I bet she didnt have to do a bone marrow biopsy on someone with bad pain control issues who was having a panic attack today and get kicked in the process. And I bet she has never had to argue with a pissed off neurosurgeon who is trying hard to find someone besides himself to blame for a bad and preventable post op bleed.

But the weird thing is, I actually love my job. It is heavy, but I think that I would tire of something light very quickly. I love the complexity, the intensity and the basic human connectedness. I love how the little things you do for people can mean so much when they are at such a bad point in their lives, and I love that what I do can actually make a positive difference to somebody. And I guess I would get pretty bored giving people pedicures. I dont know what will happen down the road, but I hope I have the chance to stick with oncology and continue to learn and grow. In the meantime I will just continue to come to work everyday and keep praying that I dont hurt people with the things I dont know and that maybe I can help people with the things I do.

Are you there God, it's me, Susannah. Yes, again.

So me and Stephen talked about it and after we hopefully get our house sold and settle into a new place we want to actually start attending church. Like voluntarily. It feels like a big step since I love being lazy and wearing yoga pants and reading trashy books on Sunday, and going to church would require getting up and like dressed and stuff, but I think I am ready.
My "personal relationship with God" has been complicated. Growing up for me was chaotic and unstable, and things were very hard for me at times. That combined with my tendency to question any sort of authority got us off on the wrong foot. I didn't speak to God for years and years. I also spent a lot of time being really angry with God about various injustices. If me and God were a couple back then, we would have spent a lot of time having really trashy fights where I threw beer in Gods face and then threw Gods clothes all over the lawn all the time. Kind of like an episode of Cops.
I didn't start talking to God until after I had my babies. I started talking to God slowly and it's just built and built over the last 4 years or so. And now I won't shut up. And maybe God is sick of hearing from me all the time now, I don't know. I guess I just decided that I don't want my kids to live in a world without an almighty force of balance, where being kind and brave is rewarded and worthwhile. I don't want my kids to grow up in a world without a God. It's too sad to think about. I never felt God in my heart growing up or as a younger adult, but it's the craziest thing that now I feel it all the time. It sounds cheesy and its hard to explain in a blog.
But anyways, I guess I need to find a church. I am not really sure how to go about that, but I guess I can just google it or something. I think I should also find like a really big hat with a bunch of flowers and feathers on it. I am pretty sure you have to wear one of those when you go to church.

If this whole NP thing doesnt work out, I would be a great extreme couponer

So these last few weeks have been hard and sad. I unexpectedly resigned from my job. The federal government decided they needed our savings account more than we did. And then Abby's dog died on Dance Moms and that dog was like her child and it was really hard watching Abby go through all that. But there have been some silver linings. I have had several people buy me drinks and nachos out of pity. Also for once I LOST weight from stress, instead of gaining it. My economic future may have been uncertain these last few weeks, but man I look good filling out job applications in my skinny jeans.

Its funny I have been saying I really just want some time to myself and to lose weight, well I have done both. I always thought if I just had time I would plant a garden, go do yoga and meditate, ect. And I would love to say thats what I have been doing, but actually mostly I have been eating Chick-Fila chicken biscuits and watching bad reality tv and kind of moping.But I have worn yoga pants at least so that should count for something. And yes I feel guilty eating the Chick-Fila because its kind of like eating gay hate but I am sorry those damn biscuits are delicious. So all you fabulous gay people out there will have to forgive me, I think if you guys will just boycott Burger King next time theres some real long term potential for me to stick to that with you. It occurred to me yesterday after I spent the morning watching a marathon of Extreme Couponing, followed by a marathon of Sister Wives, and then the afternoon with Mandy Lay watching reruns of Beverly Hills 90210, that I need to get back to work. Turns out when I have alot of free time I eat junk food and do not contribute to society at all. It also occurred to me that I probably have some great potential as a possible Extreme Couponer. Other people may feel confusion and wonder why those people need those crazy stockpiles of deodorant and toothpaste, but I feel jealousy mixed with longing. I need a basement so I can start my crazy stockpile and annoy the crap out of checkout people with my 600 coupons for one transaction.

I am in the middle of getting on at Mitchell Cancer Center and I am pretty excited. It wont be fully official until next week, but they said I should be able to start within the next 2 weeks.In all seriousness I am very grateful that I will be staying in Oncology. I actually kind of love it. Plus we all know I would be really bad at doing pap smears at the Health Dept. During the interview they spoke about how they value, respect and appreciate their NP's alot, so I am optimistic. If you want to know a secret I am willing to work very hard, long hours and put up with alot of crap if you just tell me you are glad I am doing it. But I know I have to value and respect myself before other people can so I am working on that. I sang that Whitney Houston song "The Greatest Love of all" at the top of my lungs in the car the other day, so I am off to a great start.

Another year, another diet thats going to change my life, or maybe just change the next few weeks

So I am getting ready to go to the store and buy food that I can eat on this whole foods cleanse, and I guess I have to stop talking about it and actually do it at some point. I thought I had finally eaten all the junk food in the house and not to mention drank all the wine which was alot of work.But I totally stuck with it. I may be on the brink of diabetes and alcoholism, but I will be damned if I am going to throw away M&Ms or reese's cups. That would be totally crazy. So yeah, I thought, finally there is nothing remotely exciting in the pantry so I can start fresh and clean next week.
And then Stephen decides to take himself "grocery shopping" and pick up a few things the other night. I opened up the cabinets and now there are like hostess donuts, nacho cheese doritos (family size), toaster strudels, ect, ect. Its like he basically spent 150$ filling up our cabinets with the most processed food that exists. Does he hate me, or did he just eat a pot brownie before he went shopping? I am really not sure. Although I suspect his thinking was more along the lines of how there is no way I am actually going to go without sugar, grains, dairy or wine for 30 days, so why pretend? And he may be right, but man I wish he would humor me every once in awhile.
So despite the fact that our house has more high fructose corn syrup and preservatives than the little Debbie cake factory in it right now, I will forge on and  plan to eat nothing but whole foods for 30 days starting tomorrow. Although I am interested to see how it may benefit my health, mainly it is getting on my nerves that no one seems to think I can do it and frankly thats the main reason I want to do it at this point. Also I have forgotten what it looks like when your gut doesnt hang out over the top of your jeans. Wish me luck!!