Sometimes work just feels really heavy. I have been an oncology NP for almost 3 years now, and I like to think I actually have a knowledge base and also some judgement that has developed slowly, painfully, and did I mention painfully, over time. I thought surely by now if I managed to make it to this point in my career that work would be so much easier. But no. I am finding out that it really doesnt matter if you know what the hell you are doing and why you are doing it and also that 50 oncologists agree its the right thing to do, you can still wind up knee deep in shit. You can still piss off other providers. Worst case scenarios play out and people die. Sometimes really nice people die. Like people who complimented your shoes and told you its not weird at all to own so many pairs.
Of course part of the problem is I ended up working in a specialty that deals in giving dying people poison. When people are sick as crap and you give them poison bad things happen sometimes. And you have to make decisions. And even the littlest ones can have these big consequences and call your judgement into question. Some days I just feel like I am walking around in this giant minefield. And I go to get my toenails done and I start looking at the girl painting them and I feel really jealous of her. I bet she has never had to tell someone with small kids that lost her health insurance that the melanoma she got resected and thought was gone is not only back, but its all over her lungs and liver and its probably not survivable. I bet she didnt have to do a bone marrow biopsy on someone with bad pain control issues who was having a panic attack today and get kicked in the process. And I bet she has never had to argue with a pissed off neurosurgeon who is trying hard to find someone besides himself to blame for a bad and preventable post op bleed.
But the weird thing is, I actually love my job. It is heavy, but I think that I would tire of something light very quickly. I love the complexity, the intensity and the basic human connectedness. I love how the little things you do for people can mean so much when they are at such a bad point in their lives, and I love that what I do can actually make a positive difference to somebody. And I guess I would get pretty bored giving people pedicures. I dont know what will happen down the road, but I hope I have the chance to stick with oncology and continue to learn and grow. In the meantime I will just continue to come to work everyday and keep praying that I dont hurt people with the things I dont know and that maybe I can help people with the things I do.
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