So it turns out working with a bunch of patients who are like mostly dying from cancer is sorta depressing. Who knew? When I was first offered the job I have now in oncology, they were like"This can be a very sad job, are you sure you can deal with it"? And really I wasnt that worried about the sadness part at the time. I was way more concerned that these people wanted me to do bone marrow biopsies on actual breathing people. I mean ME. I was all-" have these people met me?" I mean sometimes I dont have the coordination to make it across the parking lot without tripping a few times, and I dont have the technical skills to change a light bulb. I mean, hello, thats why I got married. And you want me to stick this giant needle where? The fact that I was eventually able to to not only learn how to do them well but also without throwing up all over people still amazes me to this day. Although I do kinda feel sorry for the first 25 or so people I did. Ok, really sorry. If I could send them a "Sorry you got a sucky bone marrow biopsy" card I totally would. But I doubt they make those.
The more I learn about cancer and treating it, the more comfortable I get with my job as far as having an idea of the whole picture and getting things done. Which is great and all, and I am really glad I no longer have that really bad anxiety about not having a clue what I am doing that people new to any field have to go through. The problem is, the more I understand, the more I am starting to feel like I should take a Prozac just to come to work sometimes. The other day I was seeing this younger woman who has this terrible cancer and we were talking about pedicures, shoes and stuff. And then she was talking about her child and I started talking about my kids some too. And all of a sudden it just hit me like a punch in the face that she probably wont live to see her child grow up because of the type of cancer she has. And suddenly I understand what all that means and I understand that she is absolutely going to die. And its like we are the same age so maybe thats why it felt so intense, but I got so nauseated and faint I had to sit down. I think I mumbled something and left the room and had to like cry somewhere.And I am not a cute crier. I am like one of those people whose whole face swells up like a marshmellow afterwards, so its a bad situation to cry at work.
I keep having more and more of those moments lately. The stupid thing is, is that I am genuinely surprised by how sad it is to take care of people dying from cancer. <insert joke here about rocking but not being made of stone. I am sooo freaking funny> Seriously though, sometimes I am just like I am not going to even get to know these people because they might die and it will make me sad, but since I am not capable of shutting up for more than ten consecutive minutes I am not very successful at that approach. No I ask about their jobs, families and lives and then get surprised when I get sad that they get sick and sometimes die. I am really not sure what to do about all of it, but I am not really sure that anyone who works in this type of field is.
I bet those patients are very thankful there is someone who takes the time to treat them like humans, rather than a chart number.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kim, I work with a great group of people.
ReplyDeleteI've been on the phone a few times with people who died while on the line with me, or people crying because they went to check on their two month old baby and it's dead....not the same kind of situation because it's immediacy instead of eventuality, but it sucks. And there was no way to know how it was going to feel, dealing with that every day, before I started working here, no matter how many times they asked me if I would be able to handle that when they interviewed me for the job. So...you know, you're human. And it IS sad. You can't just not care. I mean, seriously, don't worry so much about the crying...worry when it stops feeling sad to you. (Sam XD)
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