Normal is just a setting on the dryer

Just a disclaimer: if you dont want to read about my feelings about my dad's death then by all means stop reading this and go to youtube and watch some videos of kittens doing adorable stuff like eating spaghetti or something.I mean its not very uplifting or even funny. This blog more for the people who feel his absence in their lives, but anyone is welcome to read it if you care. Or even if you really dont care but have nothing better to do for the next 2 minutes.

Dad has just been heavy on my mind this week, because this past week was the 2nd year anniversary of his death. And thinking about how he died makes me sad and so I thought maybe writing about how I feel may be therapeutic. I tried really hard to think of a light and funny way to write about it but suicide is just not funny. I mean, I googled "suicide jokes" and they really disappointed me. There was this one about why did the chicken commit suicide (to get to the other side, harhar) that was ok, but mostly I was really let down by the quality of suicide jokes available on the internet. So if you ever want to know some I really dont know any. Sorry to let you down.

But yeah so I have been thinking about him alot this week. I wish I was all zen and said stuff like "Well I bet he is just looking down at me and my kids and his family from heaven and just smiling. I bet he is fishing with Papaw. He is with God now so thats peachy" But the truth is when I think about him my thoughts are mostly sad, angry and regretful. Its been 2 years and frankly I am still so mad at him. Mad about the fact that he thought the only way out of his pain and misery was to end his life, mad that he never met his grandkids, mad that he let me down so much as a teenager and later young adult, mad that he wasnt there when I needed him over and over again, and mad that he didnt try harder in general. I am not saying its completely fair to him to be so angry but its just honestly how I feel. But the  after the anger comes out, comes the sadness. I am sad that I will never get to repair our relationship, sad that Sawyer and Amelie wont get to grow up knowing him and seeing him at birthday parties or on Christmas, sad that I cant make any of it fit into this idea in my head of what its supposed to be like. Sad that I am never going to have this "normal" 90's sitcom family life.

The only comfort I have is that I genuinely have some great early childhood memories and he is the reason for alot of them. Dad really loved us kids for real. I really believe that even when things got so fractured between him and us that he never stopped loving us really.So if the Beatles are right and love is all you need well at least that part is covered. I think if he was still around he would love my kids too. I mean Sawyer loves fart jokes almost as much as dad did so they would have alot to talk about. So dad, if you are in the afterlife hanging out reading my blog, then I am mad at you still, but I forgive you for everything and I miss you and love you,  and I really wish things could have been different.